


Kylo Ren x Reader: It Doesn't Matter

by ijudgelove



Series: Kylo Ren x Reader: It Doesn't Matter [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Fanfiction, Kylo Ren x Reader - Freeform, Love, Originally Posted on deviantART, Rey - Freeform, Romance, Star Wars - Freeform, The Force Awakens, XReader, bb8 - Freeform, dark side, ijudgelove, it doesn't matter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 01:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6353035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ijudgelove/pseuds/ijudgelove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been nearly three weeks since you landed on Takodana, waiting for the search party for Poe Dameron to return. You, your friend Kiera Alavai, and your pilot instructor Delmi Jaxx are posted in the Pirate Castle as distractions from the Resistance X-Wing Fighters, when an army of Stormtroopers attack the planet. You have no choice but to leave them behind, fleeing into the forest for your own safety - however, you had never expected to run right into the leader himself; Kylo Ren.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Downhill

You ran as fast as you could, maneuvering through the dense forest, barely able to see. Your heart pounded in your chest painfully, almost as if it was trying to escape your rib cage. Breathing felt like torture, and the whole world around you was shaking violently. You gripped your blaster pistol with a sweaty hand and let your index finger shake lightly on the trigger.

At lease two or three Stormtroopers hot on your heels. They weren't set to kill you; they wanted you for interrogation. Any member of the resistance that they could round up was taken back to Starkiller Base to have any information squeezed out of them until there was no more. The last thing you had heard before you left the Rebel base on D'Quar was that Poe Dameron was captured, and God knows where he was now. You didn't want to end up like him. You didn't want to endure any 'Jedi mind tricks,' because whatever mind tricks this "Kylo Ren" had to offer wasn't any ordinary little prank.

The Stormtroopers gained speed, while your stamina slowly began to give way. You turned, quickly firing a shot at one of them, though it gave you no relief when you hit your mark. You couldn't tell exactly how many were following you, but there were definitely a few more. Your legs burned for a break, but your mind ignored them; you couldn't afford to be caught. You knew too much. Still, the odds were in the favor of the enemy from the way things were turning out for you.

You turned around to fire again, only to trip on a root; you tumbled down the side of the path, falling under ferns and rough branches. At some point, you felt your head crack when it came in contact with a large rock, and instantly you felt nauseous. You continued to roll, unable to tell where the sky was, until you finally came in contact with something hard.

Finally, you stopped rolling when you were hit. The object you collided with fell with a thud and a grunt. You grabbed the back of your head as it throbbed painfully. Opening your eyes, you noticed a heap of black fabric on the ground next to you. It started moving, and before you could identify it, a hand closed around your neck.

You were thrust up against a tree, your feet dangling in the air. Your hands felt around your neck, trying to find the strong hands that held it, but they came up empty. Below you stood a man, clad in black, his hand outstretched to you. His face was angry, and a bit covered in dirt. Lying next to him was a woman dressed in a scavenger's attire and seemingly dead. Surrounding her and the man were more than a dozen Stormtroopers. 

Was this the well known and feared Kylo Ren?

The need for air was obscuring your thoughts and visions. Your body was jerking in strange directions, as if it were trying to inhale through it's own skin.

"Who are you?!" the man said, his voice thick with menace.

You cringed. If I could speak, I wouldn't tell you.

Seconds passed, and his hold on you seemed to grow tighter. You wished you would just pass out and end the torture. He continued to stare at your throat began to make inhuman noises. He looked at your orange jumper, smirking a bit.

"Pilot." he said coldly. "What a find." 

Finally, seeming to hear your prayer, he dropped you.

You crashed onto the forest floor, letting your lungs control your body and intake air. It hurt like Hell, and your throat was cold and dry with each breath and cough. Your first thought was to hide, anywhere; You started crawling away from the scene, slowly, as would an animal with two broken legs.

A crushing foot came down upon your ankle. Instead of crying out with pain, you only let your head fall to the ground, losing all sense of direction and sound. Your mind went frantic, unable to process any of your surroundings as Kylo twisted his foot on your leg. 

He spat at you. "We'll find out anything we need to know soon enough."

At that moment, something roughly grazed your head, and the world around you went black.

 

\- - - - - - - - -

 

The Pirate Castle was definitely not your favorite lounging place. It was too loud, smelly, and someone wanted to fight you all the time. But, you had to follow orders from Delmi Jaxx, who was somehow smitten with this tavern. 

Delmi Jaxx was your aircraft teacher. A strong man, physically and spiritually, he was well educated. You admired him as a teacher and hoped to be like him later in your life. He was kind, but stern with rules and orders. At the time, he had been Poe's instructor, which obviously proved him to be all that people said he was: extremely intelligent. 

You and Kiera Alavai, another student of Delmi's, were sitting quietly at a table with him. Your head was hurting from all of the arguments and loud music, and it was irritatingly hot in your jumper. Kiera was enjoying a mug of Elba, while Delmi was reading a map of some world unknown to you. 

Kiera set down her mug. "What's with all the death glares?" 

You looked around; sure enough, the majority of the tavern was staring at you with either suspicion, hatred, or confusion. You sighed and looked back at your own table, wishing that General Leia could have chosen a different pilot's uniform than neon orange. 

"Because they know we're from the resistance." said Delmi, not looking up from his map. He looked weary and weathered from being away from D'Quar for so long. 

Leia had given you orders to aid in the search for Poe. Not as the hunters; the role that she gave the three of you was to act as a distraction. Follow the search team, hide in plain sight, act as a distraction while the other troops searched. It was a boring job, really, but since you weren't licensed to fly, there was nothing else you could do. It had been some time since Delmi had heard from the search team, this marking your fourth week on Takodana. 

The three of you weren't the only distracting group in the tavern: spread across the room were two other crowds of orange jumpers, glancing at your table every once in a while. No one knew what had happened to the search team, but orders from Leia were to stay calm under any situation. if they took to long to return, everyone was told to go back to the rebel base. So every time you met their questioning glances, you shook your head. 

"Well then why don't they call us in?" Kiera asked. "Three resistance pilots - not to mention, two juniors-in-training, without a license to fly - sitting here, doing nothing, and they just stare? I would call someone."

"Anyone could be wearing an orange jumper and be a pilot, Alavai." Delmi stuffed his map into his pocket. "It's the fact that there are many of us spread about that catches their eye. And if you keep declaring to Takodana who we are, I'll let them have your head first."

You chuckled. Not only was Delmi smart with aircraft function, but he also had a dictionary of witty comebacks.

Delmi checked his watch for the tenth time. "It's getting late." He looked at you, his eyes inquiring. 

You sighed and stood up from the table. "No need to ask me, Jaxx; I'll go look around again." You set a few coins next to Kiera's mug. "Get me a drink while I'm gone."

You walked out of the castle, ignoring the turned heads and foreign words as you passed. It was a relief to be outside, where most of the people paid you no mind. The air was damp, though fresher than inside. Your boots crunched melodically on the gravel as you made your way into the forest. 

The farther you went, the thicker the trees became. Everything was tranquil - no one was in sight, and there was no movement besides your own legs. Your mind wandered to Poe; it was possible that the search party had already found him, and they were heading back to D'Quar. But then wouldn't they contact you and tell you to return? Maybe your communications device was damaged, and you would discover him there when you left Takodana. Or, he might still be on Starkiller base. That wouldn't give the resistance any reason to send a search party for him, though. Nothing made sense to you. All you were able to do was follow Delmi's orders until something occurred, good or bad. 

Thinking of Poe only made you more stressed. You felt that the mission was dead. Poe might be dead, as far as you knew. You didn't want to think like that, but your intellect was far to advanced to accept that everything was just "peachy," as Kiera would say. Team mates don't just cease communication, and the Resistance's finest pilots don't just go missing for a few months.

Dragging you back to reality, you heard the distant sound of several jets drawing near; possibly the scout team returning? You began to walk back, ready to inform Delmi and Kiera that the search was over... on this planet, at least. 

The X-Wing Fighters grew louder by the second; they should have been visible above the trees by now. You paused, staring up at the sky, waiting for the rebels to come in sight. 

You noticed the wind picking up around you. Ferns danced in the current, broken twigs and forest-floor debris scattered across the ground. You could hardly keep your eyes open due to the harsh atmosphere.

Suddenly, cutting the sun out from the sky, you saw a large, black vessel. It had two wings on the sides of it, and it was surrounded by multiple Tie Fighters. It was descending upon the Pirate Castle, and fast.

You recognized it as the First Order's Command Shuttle, meaning that General Hux and Kylo Ren were on it as well.

Immediately, you rushed through the swaying forest. Blasters and shouting could be heard clear as day through the rustling and the wind. You feared for Delmi and Kiera, praying that they had heard it coming and were back at the X-Wing. Adrenaline quickly flowed through your body, distracting yourself from the shock in your feet. Twigs were scratching your face as you ran into them, but you hardly noticed it; your comrades were too important to falter for pain.

You reached the edge of the woods; Stormtroopers were everywhere, like ants swarming a nest. They were shooting at everything, wrecking any droid or aircraft in sight. People were fleeing Pirate Castle; you couldn't find Delmi and Kiera anywhere. 

Then you saw it: a line of orange jumpers, crowded onto the Commander Shuttle. Not just the ones from the tavern, but the search party as well. You were able to recognize everyone of them, but you still didn't see your pilot teacher or your good friend. You shouted their names at the top of your lungs, hoping that they were somehow alive and searching for you as well.

As you were scanning the battlefield, you saw a mob of Stormtroopers running towards you... and quickly. Your first instinct was to run, but you didn't want to leave the others. You weren't sure if they were even on the Command Shuttle.

You searched for an opening, an escape through the ranks; all you found was that the longer you waited, the nearer the enemy drew, and the more eager they looked to fire.

As a prayer, you silently asked Delmi and Kiera to forgive you; quickly, you turned on your heels and ran back into the dense forest that would be your capture.


	2. The Price of Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Kylo Ren has captured you and half of the Resistance pilots, he begins to question you. He tries to force you to give him the location of the base, as well as the whereabouts of the missing piece of the map leading to Luke Skywalker. Somehow, you manage to keep the information hidden, at which point he leaves in frustration. You begin to wonder what he'll do next; will he torture you until you speak? or will he end up killing you in the next few hours? Just as you begin to visualize your own fate, General Hux walks into the room.

Light shone from overhead, through the thin skin of your eyelids and into your pupils. Your head ached incredulously from it, but you couldn't look away. Your neck couldn't move left or right. You couldn't shield your eyes, either; your hands were as heavy as lead. So you endured the light. 

Until you were awake enough to open your eyes.

For a few moments, the glare blinded you. Your head was burning with pain, and you felt nauseous. A metallic smell hung in the air. Each breath was more unpleasant than the last and made your mouth drier and drier. When you adjusted to the light, you were able to take in your surroundings: an empty, white, glistening room, with only a light and some sort of torture chair for decoration. You were on the chair, and you noticed the heavy feeling on your arms and head was actually metal restraints. You were still in your jumper, which was covered in dirt and a little bit of blood.

Panic hit you as memories slowly began to flood back into your head: Delmi and Kiera. Making your rounds. The Command Shuttle. Kylo. Loss of breath. It was painful to remember these things, but you held onto them, afraid that they would be wiped from your memory in just a few hours. You knew that you weren't being held for your orange jumpsuit; he would interrogate you to the point of driving you insane. 

You squeezed your eyes shut, searching through your mind, trying to see if you had missed Delmi or Kiera in the crowd of pilots. All you could pick from the image at Takodana were dead bodies, Stormtroopers everywhere, and rubble and rock scattered across the ground, standing for what once was the Pirate Castle. You wanted to know if they were safe; you wanted to justify running away from the battle scene, but you couldn't. They were more than just your comrades, and you had deserted them for your own safety.

As you reprimanded yourself for leaving them, you heard a door open. Instantly, you tried to wipe away the tears, but your hand wouldn't budge from the restraints. 

Two Stormtroopers marched into your field of vision, followed by a man, completely dressed in black. Even with his helmet on, you recognized him as Kylo Ren. You remembered your last encounter with him, when he nearly choked you to death, before he tore your consciousness from you. 

Kylo walked to your left side, looming over your face. His mask mad him look soulless, empty - you were able to loathe him even more.

He noticed your watery eyes. "I see that we've given up already."

You managed a small scoff. "Never."

"Not yet." he said. His voice was distorted by his mask. Slowly, he removed it and inhaled deeply, as if it was suffocating him.

You saw his face in pure light now; his eyes were glaring daggers at you, though you knew he found no enjoyment in watching you suffer. He only looked confused, and partially vanquished. His facial stature was hardened into an unsatisfied cover, and his nose told you that it had been broken in many fights. 

He continued with his persuading lull. "Maybe you will at least tell me a few things, if we start small. For instance; your name?"

Your name. That wasn't anything that would harm the Resistance. In fact, it was useless information. You could tell him, and let that be the only information that ever escaped your lips...

No! you caught yourself; he was messing with your head, making you give into him. You couldn't even trust your own thoughts anymore, not with him around. 

He saw you at war with yourself. "If I were to make things easier, possibly?" He removed the metal restraints around your head. 

Relief instantly washed through your sense of the world around you. The impressions made by the restraints ached with freedom, and you tilted your head side to side. It felt good, to crack your neck and stretch the hardened tendons underneath your skin - still, you kept your mouth shut tight, and glared at him with harsh resentment.

Kylo nodded to your response. "I see then." He hovered his hand over your eyes, almost grazing your forehead.

You were tugged into his reach, stuck staring at the center of his black glove. Surprise had overcome you, going from the calm motion of stretching your muscles to being sucked into a sharp mind trap. The same question flooded your head: What is your name? Tell me your name. Say your name. You couldn't focus on restraining yourself as your concentration was fixed on his hand. Before you could stop yourself, the words of your name were slowly torn from your mouth in a scream.

He released you from the capture; you threw your head back against the chair, panting and sweaty. Your mind was frantic to collect itself back in order as you cursed yourself and your weak spirit.

"You shouldn't shun yourself." he spoke.

You looked at him with a swelling rage. 

He continued: "It was only your name, and nothing more. I wasn't seeking anything else from you. But it was painful, wasn't it? As painful as leaving your friends in the rubble on Takodana?"

You were fuming. "You know nothing!" you spat.

"I know much more than you think!" he was gripping the sides of the chair now, inches from your face. "You aren't very secretive in your subconscious - none of you are! You dream everything you know!"

Again, you screamed at yourself in your head. How much had you dreamed that he had seen? 

You gazed back at him. "Then why are you here? If you saw everything or anything, why are you tormenting me?"

He smiled. "The secrets you dreamt were vague - I don't have everything I need. You seem to be a weak target, and I'm sure you will aid me in any knowledge of the Resistance."

"Or what?" you said in a low voice.

Kylo met your gaze with daggers. "Or I'll rip your soul from your mind."

"Go ahead!" you cried. "You're wasting your time with me!"

Once more, his hand returned before your face. You were tugged into his palm again, this time with more force and pain. Different questions were being asked. Where is the Resistance base? Where is the droid? Where is the piece of the map? Will more Fighters come to lay siege on Starkiller?

You couldn't think. You could only dwell on his leathery, black hand, ripping apart your intellect. You bit hard on your tongue and screamed through your teeth, letting the pain and noise distract you. The scent of metal filled your nostrils, and your mouth was warm. The answers to the questions danced on your tongue, but you would not release the clenching hold you had on it.

Kylo's face twisted into rage. He was so close to your knowledge, to your answers - but you were too smart. You knew how to not focus on holding back, but distract yourself using some other source of pain. You were not as strong as the other girl, the prophetic 'new jedi,' but you were strong enough.

He let go of your thoughts, just as blood began to trickle from your mouth. When you leaned your head back, it filled up with the warm liquid, making you want to vomit. You could only breathe through your nose, which was dry and cracked on the inside. You had avoided his threatening words and questions, but you didn't feel any better than before. You now had two locations of pain, both in your head. A sense of languor washed over your mind.

Kylo breathed heavily. "You posses a strength uncommon among the Resistance member's I've seen."

"Call it ADHD." you responded coldly through sharp breaths.

He smirked. "Very well, then. I'll bring in my friend - maybe he can convince you, in the more old-fashioned way."

Without another word, Kylo turned on his heels and left, with the Stormtroopers behind him. You sighed, relieved to have him out of your head, at least for a while. You didn't care who this 'friend' was, as long as he couldn't invade your thoughts. 

In truth, you were amazed at yourself for having rerouted your focus. It wasn't something you had trained to do, nor something you even knew was possible. However, you did wonder if Kylo had found the information on BB-8 in your dreams, along with the section of the map to Luke Skywalker. You couldn't imagine it coming from anyone else on the Resistance - you had the weakest spirit out of the whole base, fighting your own emotions daily. It didn't make sense, nor did anything else anymore. 

Your thoughts switched back to the base. You wondered if General Leia knew your whereabouts. It was possible that she was informed about the attack on Takodana, and was sending X-Wing Fighters to get you now. But what if no one had heard about it? You'd be stuck on Starkiller Base for who knows how long, tormented until you spat out whatever Kylo wanted. However, an attack as big as that wouldn't fly past Leia's head; she must have known something about it... Maybe she just didn't care. You were an unlicensed bunch of pilots, only sent on this scouting mission to act as decoys. She had plenty of educated pilots back on base - why would she need back the unimportant pieces of the game?

You knew Leia was a good woman. She was strong-willed, stern, and kind. It was hard to imagine her leaving behind members of her community. However, a small part of you wished she would. You didn't want to have her risk the better for the lesser; it was pointless. As long as you were able to keep your mouth shut, you could bypass Kylo's threats and mind tricks. Any physical torture you might be able to bear.

Once again, the sound of the door interrupted your thoughts. You returned to the real world, watching a man stride in. He was wearing a commander's suit, all black, and behind his back he held a small gun... a blaster? You couldn't tell.

He stood at the far end of the room. "You're one of the rebellious ones, correct?"

You craned your neck to meet his eyes. "I didn't know there were more than one."

A smirk danced upon his lips. "I'm sure you've heard of me as General Hux."

"Maybe - I don't really give a damn."

Slowly, Hux approached you. He pulled the gun from behind his back, displaying it to you in a mocking manner. "Do you know what this is?"

You examined it briefly. It resembled that of a blaster, as far as you could tell. You looked back at him. "You're here to kill me? Fine."

He laughed. "That's where you're wrong;" he pulled the trigger towards you, making you flinch. However, all that the gun emitted was a small, electrical current. It buzzed threateningly, closer to your face than comfort would allow.

"I'm not here to kill you; I'm here to break you."


	3. Tricks and Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> General Hux tortured you endlessly for days, yet you amaze yourself by, once again, keeping the location of the base hidden from the Dark side. Now, however, Kylo Ren starts playing dirty - he takes your good friend and pilot instructor, Delmi Jaxx, and presents him to you after he'd been tortured and beaten, just like you. Will you give Kylo Ren the information he wants in order to save your friend, and possibly the rest of the Resistance pilots?

He had come so close. So imminently close to breaking you. Just one more hour and you would have lost your soul to the First Order.

You were surprised that you weren't dead yet. General Hux had come consistently for six days (estimated, since there was no telling day from night in that room), trying to force information out of you. From needles to pens to actual weapons, he had used anything the First Order had lying around for torture. To your shock, he wasn't enjoying it; the fact that he had to use more and more force made him angry when he couldn't get anything from you.

You, on the other hand, were on the brink of falling apart. It was pain that was keeping your jaw locked together, keeping you from spilling anything. It numbed your senses with each blow or shock, but you suffered for it dearly afterwards. You didn't want to know what you looked like to someone else in this state; you couldn't feel your legs, and your arms and face were burning with pain. Your back was stiff from being restrained for so long. You imagined yourself having to relearn to walk from immobility, if you ever had the chance to walk again.

All this had happened to you, yet healers came each day to undo what Hux did. They fixed any broken bones or dislocated limbs (with you seething in pain the entire time), only leaving minor scars and burns unattended. As if they were trying to hold you together while Hux chiseled further into your head - literally. Why would Kylo hold someone until they passed from old age?  
Wasn't it obvious that, somehow, you were able to avoid their threats and physical brutality? The more you asked yourself these questions, the more you wished Hux would just strike the final blow and be done with it.

You were so deep in these wrathful and detrimental thoughts that it had brought you to tears. The mental pain of knowing the torture would never end left you in anguish. You desperately longed to be able to stretch your back, move your head, run. You craved the feeling of a pilot wheel in your hands, or the feel of descending from the sky. Now, they were nothing but memories you took for granted, memories that would torment you for a long time.

Your thoughts were torn apart when a Stormtrooper entered the room. You hadn't even heard the door open, let alone the sound of his footsteps.

For a few moments, he stood at attention, while facing you. You stared back with expectation; you figured that he was either preceding the entrance of Kylo Ren, or he was going to heal your major injuries. One or the other, neither was any more bearable.

Then you remembered. Someone had already healed you, not long ago. So what else could he be here for, other than to have Kylo follow him?

As if answering your inquiry, he walked closer to you; with his blaster in one hand, he began to unfasten the restraints. You were wary, afraid to even acknowledge his actions. But with each release of the metal bars, your limbs instinctively proffered as far as they could, cracking joints and renewing tendons. An involuntary sigh escaped your lips as blood began to flow at a normal pace throughout your body.

When the Stormtrooper finished freeing you, he stepped back. You turned and sat on the edge of the chair, marked with your blood. You didn't want to come off as relieved, though it was evident by the look on your face.

"You have been given orders to visit room E-70." his voice was thickly distorted from his mask. He continued to stand at attention in your direction.

You feared that you might be heading towards your death. But isn't that what I wanted? "Who sent these orders?"

"Kylo Ren."

"What for?"

"Classified."

Typical. It didn't even matter if they were sent by Kylo, Hux, or just about anyone on Starkiller base. Every goddamn thing was going to be classified. 

You decided to play trenchant. "May I refuse?"

Ignoring your question, he grabbed you by the wrist and dragged you out of the room. You instantly felt foolish, now knowing that sarcasm wasn't going to help you in any way. At least I'll be out of Kylo's hands soon...

The Stormtrooper led you through multiple halls and corridors, dragging you along as if you were a ragdoll. You noticed your surroundings: clusters of Stormtroopers, Tie Fighters secured in place, and many captives from Takodana, ranging in all different races. No pilots entered your field of vision, making you wonder if any of them were still alive on the ship.

You began to rethink death; you continued to believe that it would be better than being tormented for information, but were you ready for it? If you were really walking to the location of your execution, would you be able to stand there until the last blow? With each step towards your next destination, the fearful reality began to make its way into your head. It wasn't true - you weren't ready to die.

Turning down a hallway, the Stormtrooper stopped sharply, causing you to stumble. You noticed the corridor to be lined with multiple glossy, white doors, each with an entry code next to them. You were particularly standing in front of room E-70 - reading the words made your heart drop. This may be the last few moments of your dreadful and harrowing life. 

It made you wonder what General Leia was doing back on the Resistance base. Had she given the matter of losing a great handful of young, unlicensed pilots? Or, even worse, her only pilot instructor, Delmi Jaxx?

The Stormtrooper punched a code into the lock, and the doors slid open. You peered in to see the contents of the room - all you found was that it was similar to your recent cage, lacking only a torment chair. A wall of glass held itself at the far end of the room, though it was black as midnight, hiding whatever contents may be on the opposite side. This room had no indications of your upcoming execution.

Breaking your curiosity, the Stormtrooper nudged you in with his blaster. You jolted at the sudden touch and spun around to glare at him. You watched as he, with no emotion through his mask whatsoever, disappeared behind the closing doors.

Your eyes stuck to the doors. You weren't sure what to expect next, seeing that you may have a while before anyone entered the room again. But fear was hiding your reason with a thick cloud - the fact that the room was completely empty made you anxious, wondering what would be unleashed upon you.

Then it hit you - you didn't remember having eaten or drunk, but you weren't the slightest bit hungry. You had small visions in your head of some black figure trickling water in your mouth, but that was all you had in memory. You looked down on yourself - you weren't wasting away, either, when you had expected to. Besides the scratches and bruises, you were completely healthy. It made you think as though you might not die today.

Suddenly, you heard the sounds of machinery powering up. You looked around, searching for the source of the noise, when the darkness on the other side of the glass began to fade.

Straining your eyes, you tried to see through the dim light, slowly growing brighter. You saw a shape, much like the torture chair, peak through the dark. it was then that you noticed a person on the chair, clothed in a bloody, orange jumpsuit...

Delmi. Your Flight Commander. He was there, on the other side of the glass, alive and breathing. 

Though, from the sight of him, you wished he was dead.

His face was covered in blood, with his mouth hanging open and his eyes crusted shut. He was restrained in a chair similar to the one that had held you, and his wrists were swollen and discolored from the grip on them. His chest rose and fell unevenly as blood trickled down from his chin. It was too obvious how much he was suffering - almost if he had endured more than General Hux had beaten on you, which was unimaginable.

You were shocked. Not more than a few minutes ago did you believe that he had already been killed. This man, physically weaker and older than you, had bled nearly half of his body out. You ran to the glass and fell to your knees. You threw your fists against the wall, trying and failing to break through to Delmi, but they only made an unpleasant vibration travel throughout your arm.

At the sound of your fists, Delmi's eyes peeled themselves into a wide stare at the ceiling. His breathing quickened, soon turning into chokes and sputters of some odd-colored fluid. You cringed in mental pain at the sight of his jagged movements.

"No!" he said quickly and quietly - his voice was cracked into a dry whisper.

You tried to speak through a thick choke. "Delmi -" you croaked, unable to get out anything else. What could you tell him? Nothing was ok. You couldn't save anyone, let alone a Flight Commander. You had no idea if Leia was coming to get you. There was no comfort nor assurance that you had to offer him. All you could do was unsuccessfully try to break the glass between you and him.

"I can't anymore." he said, sounding more desperate now. "I want to die, I want this to end!"

"No," you said, "you don't want that, please..." 

"They've killed Kiera - they made me watch them kill her."

You felt your body shake uncontrollably. Kiera. You thought of her, restrained to the chair, screaming for them to end the torture, while Delmi was forced to witness it all.

"When?!" you cried, tears spilling down your cheeks in agony. "Why?!"

He ignored you. "You need-" he was cut off by his own blood, choking him in attempt to end his life.

"I need to what?!" you were now screaming at the glass. "Delmi, what?!"

Delmi fought through his own pain and continued. "You need to tell him... tell him where the base is. Then he'll let me go, all of us..."

As you heard his surrendering command, a pang of despair struck you in the gut. They had tortured him, brainwashed him enough to make him lose all hope. He was willing to reveal the location of the Resistance base and endanger everyone and every chance to destroy the first order... to end his suffering? It didn't sound selfish when you thought of it at the same time that you saw his current condition - but you knew that you could go down with the secret location for him.

You slowly shook your head. "I can't... I'm sorry, I can't do it..."

His limbs began twitching, and his eyes squeezed shut in torment. "You have to! Please! They won't let me die until you do!"

You were worn, crying at the sight of his anguish. You were keeping him from his peace, this weathered man who wanted to desperately to pass over. "I promise they will, Delmi! They will, you just have to wait a little while longer, please..." your voice trailed off to silence.

"I can't!" he screamed again, tugging on his restraints. You cursed yourself for this - you wanted to save him, but was it worth the risk of losing the entire Resistance?

"Please, just tell me!"

Suddenly, you were taken aback. Tell me? you thought. 

Delmi stopped thrashing. He looked at you with urgent eyes, no longer pained. They were empty, almost soulless. You stared back in fear, wondering what had happened. 

Then, quicker than you could comprehend, the room on the other side of the glass went black.

"Delmi!!" you shouted, pounding your fists hard on the wall. This isn't real. He's still there. Where is he?

As you continued searching through the dark, you heard the distant sound of footsteps. You turned towards the door and found a pair of black boots stride in, covered by a dark fabric. 

Kylo Ren stopped a few feet away from you, breathing heavy and flustered. He was clearly enraged - his eyes were wide with fury and his stature was powerfully vexed.

"Tell me where it is!" His voice rang through the room with a menacing echo.

You looked at the black room, then back at Kylo. A trick? you thought. Then where was Delmi?

"Where is he?!" you shouted. 

"Dead." he replied coldly. "All of them! They're all dead because they wouldn't speak!" 

Anger overtook your confusion in a matter of seconds. "You - BASTARD!" you shouted, lunging at him with fury. 

He stumbled back and grabbed your wrists, trying to detain you, as you lashed at him. You struggled to fight him, managing to scratch his cheek through shouts and spars. He grimaced in pain and continued to falter, overwhelmed with your fierce attack. You couldn't think of anything except this man's cheat and cold nature - that he would fake the death of your beheld comrade in attempt to tear information from you.

"What did you do to him?!" you shouted.

"I killed him!" he screamed back, inches from your face, continuing to struggle to hold you back, "I killed him myself, because he was to weak to even talk anymore!"

"Liar!" you spat. Tears were pouring out from your eyes.

"Enough!!" 

You were thrown away from him, crashing into the wall behind your. Instantly, you heard a sickening crack, and your head throbbed with immense pain. The scent of metal began to flow through your nose. You looked up at Kylo, waiting for him to attack again.

However, he only stood there, panting, staring at you. He touched the scratch on his cheek, pulling it back to find a smear of blood on his glove. He took a step towards you, a hint of consternation about his face. You noticed his expression to be anxious, almost as if he was regretting his actions. His other hand was gripped into a fist, shaking slightly with unease. 

Suddenly, two Stormtroopers entered your field of vision. One stopped in front of you as your head began to spin, holding his blaster above your head.

"Stop!" you heard a voice cry out in objection.

A hard object cuffed your head, thus cutting your memories short.


	4. Nothing Left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are shown that even in your dreams, you are not safe from the Dark side. Kylo Ren invades them, demanding information; it takes every drop of strength you have in your body to shut him out. When you wake up, you find him above you, listening to your subconscious thoughts. You begin to struggle, but soon give up; it seems best if he should just kill you then and there.   
> You wait for your end as he slowly raises his lightsaber above your head.

The sun shone warmly on your face, bright and welcoming. You bathed your cold skin in its light as you stood, not caring at the moment where you were. You only felt peace and quiet - something you had craved for a long time. Your hair danced with the gentle breeze that caressed through the outskirts of the forest. The only sound you heard was your own breathing, which was slow and relaxed. Completely different from what seemed only a few moments ago.

Reluctantly, you opened your eyes.

To your right, you saw rows of X-Wing Fighters lined on a landing pad. Next to those was a white building, supposedly a hanger for the Fighters. The dock was deserted of any living being, you being the exception. You instantly recognized the place as the Resistance base, as memories of training and flight-tests rushed into your mind. A sense of relief washed over you when you realized where you were.

And where is that? a strong voice inquired.

Before you could think of the planet's name, you snapped away from the thought. It didn't feel safe to answer the question, though you couldn't recall why. You didn't even know whom the question belonged to, but your mind's first instinct was to ignore it as best as you could. 

Instead, you began to walk towards the hanger. You didn't have any need to be there - you only felt the urge to go inside, to familiarize yourself with the building. Your feet carried you without any purpose, slowly moving forwards, as if you were in a trance. You grew tired with each step and wanted more and more to lie down in the sun and close your eyes. 

No. Keep walking.

It was at the sound of the voice that you paused. Why were you moving towards the hanger? You didn't need to be there. In fact, you shouldn't be there. It might trigger something and make you spill information. But why were you hiding the information in the first place? You couldn't remember the reason, only that it was important to protect what you knew. At the moment, you had to protect it from yourself, from the voices in your head. 

Am I insane? you thought.

You can be wise and give me the information. The voice was now menacing and vexed.

You refused to look anymore. You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to focus on anything unrelated to the location. You thought of books you had read, protocalls of emergency... Something that was distracting you from any building numbers or familiar scenes from the planet you were on.

Where is it?! The voice was now angrier, probing your memory for any hints or clues.

It began to overwhelm you. You sat on the ground, rubbing your temples and humming as a diversion. Still, it was hard to keep track of the tune with the violent sounds in your head. It felt as if two large hands were holding your it, shaking it violently for answers.

"Tell me!" you heard the voice of Delmi, using the same words he had said when you last saw him. 

You felt as though your chest caved in with those words. You knew it wasn't Delmi, but it reminded you of the torture he had to go through. You covered your ears in hope of blocking out the memory of his screams and cries.

It's not him... it's not him... he's dead, he's gone, he can't be here...

"Please!! I don't want to die!!"

You wanted to tell him; you wanted to give in and let your mind be controlled. You didn't want to have to right all time, constantly resilient towards everything. You wanted all this, yet your brain refused to allow it.

"Tell me now!!"

You tore your eyes open, glancing down at your hand. Pain was the only other distraction you could think of. Therefore, gathering up courage, you raised up your hand to your mouth and bit down on your wrist. 

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

You ripped your eyes open, gasping sharply at the sudden burst of force in your head. For a moment, all you could think of was the visions. How something had forced you to explain, to search, to look for an indication of wherever the base was set. Through pants and tears, you made sure that you were still you, and that you weren't going insane with paranoia. 

It was then that you realized your surroundings: you were tensely reclined on a black chair, where you had just woken up. You were in a room unfamiliar to you, dark and unwelcoming. You noticed a tinted window on the far side of the wall that overlooked the center of the base.

And looming over you was Kylo Ren.

He was looking down at you with a panicked expression. His hand was hovering over your forehead, closer than comfort would allow. His eyes were wide and alarmed, seeing that you were now awake. He too was tense, as if he was preparing to flee.

You just then came to discern that he was the voice in your dream, trying to locate the base.

Instinctively, you started to thrash at him. You aimed to hit his chest with your fists and used your feet to push him back.

Taken by surprise, he fumbled to grab your wrists as they narrowly missed his face. His expression turned from panic to concentration - he had to struggle with your legs, pinning them underneath his knees. 

"Stop!!" you yelled, the slightest bit afraid as to how he would hurt you. "Get off of me, you filthy bastard!!" 

You continued to try and injure him in some way to make your escape, but you couldn't move your arms to strike. 

"Stay still!" he grunted, clearly struggling with your wrists.

"No!" you cried. "I won't! I'm not going to tell you anything!" Tears were now streaming down your cheeks. "I can't do it, I can't do this anymore..."

You stopped fighting. You didn't see the point in it - why fight if you had nothing physical to defend? If you were instructed to die with a secret, and they couldn't beat it out of you, there was no reason to defend yourself. 

Kylo's grip on your arms loosened. You sensed a hint of concern, though it didn't matter to you anymore. 

"Please..." you whispered, looking at him with entreaty, "... if you're going to kill me, just do it now, or I'll end up killing myself."

His eyes widened into a fearful gaze, and he dropped your hands. You thought he was going to do it - he was going to take his lightsaber and drive it into your chest, and you would finally be free of this torture. You craved it. You craved to hear the sound of it striking your heart, being the last thing you would ever hear. You craved this, all while never breaking your stare with him.

You saw him lean closer to you. You closed your eyes and waited for the final pain.

"Do it..." you whispered, sorrowfully eager.

His hand gently gripped your shoulder, holding it in place for the strike.

"Just do it!!" you shouted.

His grip tightened, and you prepared yourself for the welcome of death.

However, you never felt it. Instead, you only felt him fall onto you, wrapping his arms around you tightly.

You let out a small cry, expecting to feel the burn of his lightsaber. Your mind flooded with shock, mixing with the fear and the anxiety you had already allowed to flow through your head. The universe around you froze, and the only thing you could feel was your own, frantic heartbeat, and the quick rhythm of Kylo's. Your head was pulled against his chest and into the folds of his cloak, warm and gentle. It moved in time with his jagged breaths and absorbed all of the tears from your cheek. 

"I can't." he said, his voice choked. "I won't do it. I won't hurt you. I'm sorry..."

You continued to stare at the black fabric on his chest, listening with disbelief and incredulity. You didn't understand the words that were coming from him. You couldn't imagine them being his own words, it was impossible - he was a killer. He had murdered your friends, and almost an entire army of pilots. The more you thought about it, the more you cried.

"I do not feel any remorse for what I've done," he said, once he felt your shaky breath, " and I don't expect you to forgive me. I know my soul has a place in Chaos; I do not deserve to behold such an angelic thing - but you have captivated me in a way that I cannot understand. You are unlike anyone I've seen, with your mind, your words, your resolve; it's beguiling to me. I can't explain it, and my mind tells me to leave these feelings alone. But I simply cannot." He paused, now shaking more than ever. "I have been entranced by you, and I love you."

Your heart felt as if it had crumbled apart. Kylo's words were confusing you, twisting and stretching your mind into emotions you never knew existed. Instead of killing you, he broke down and professed his love. You didn't want to believe that you had ever woken up. This was all a selfish dream, an escape from reality you hallucinated to flee the torture. You couldn't give in to such a man as Kylo Ren, after all he had done to you and your friends. What would they say now? What would General Leia do if she had found out that he even so much as touched you in an amorous way? Your mind forced you to see the danger and perils of the moment, and you wanted to push him away and run.

But couldn't you say the same? Could you share his feelings, with the man who wanted you and the rest of the Resistance dead in the first place? You had known from the beginning that he was intrigued by you, eventually infatuated. But it was treason - it was worth being burned to death for. You'd be a traitor to everyone you had known before this moment. But you had nothing else. Delmi and Kiera were dead, you had no one at the base; all that you felt attached to was this murderer, who was begging you to accept his ardent feelings.

Your relations to the Resistance had been cut, leaving you with nothing but Kylo.

You wrapped your arms around his back, ignoring your conscious. A wave of fear ran down your spine with each breath, and anger swam through your head. You wanted to run away, to be alone; you wanted everything to go back to the way it was before you had reached Takodana.

Feeling you relax in his embrace, Kylo held you tighter and sighed as the anxiety left his trembling arms. "I won't say I'm sorry, because I don't feel it. But I feel pain for hurting you, and for that I am regretful."

"I will never forgive you," you said through tears and clenched teeth, "nor will I tell you anything about the Resistance. I don't understand why you feel this way, and I'm not sure if I truly love you, or if your pulling some silver-tongued mind trick on me..."

"I assure you I am not." he said. "But I know that you love me, I can sense it."

"I might get killed for this. They will kill me for it."

He moved one hand to cradle the back of your head. "No one else will touch you from now on - I'll protect you."

Hearing those words made the hole in your chest bigger. No one, in your entire life, had ever offered to protect you. It was in your training that you learned that pilots were the protectors. You felt, strangely, safe in his arms; safer than you were with your friends and family.

It was then you knew that you did honestly love Kylo Ren.


	5. Adjusting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Kylo Ren has confessed his somewhat ardent feelings for you, the both of you will have to adjust to a new lifestyle: Kylo will have someone he actually cares about and wants to protect at all costs, and you will be a member of the peoples on Starkiller Base. However, there are boundaries for each other - Kylo refuses to stop the attacks on planets such as Takodana, and you refuse to reveal the location of the Rebel Base to him. Though you have no ties holding you to the Resistance, you keep your oath of secrecy while recreating your life on the enemy's side.

He said he loved you. He held you so ardently and tenderly. He had promised to protect you, this captor of yours. And you had allowed him, returning the love and fondness to your once sworn enemy. When did your common sense desert you?

You pondered over these things as you slowly wandered through the base, trying to capture the freedom of the moment. It was the only chance you'd had to be alone with your thoughts, but now you felt overwhelmed with them. You paced aimlessly about the corridors and halls with a pensive expression on your face; better to show contemplation than fear. Still, everyone you passed, from Stormtroopers to techs to navigators, you got looks ranging from curious to wrathful. You were unfamiliar to them, but they'd heard the news.

Kylo Ren had a new assistant.

No one believed the 'assistant' part, anyways. There was only one other person on the base who was new to them - you. And you definitely didn't look like an assistant. You were one of the few females on that planet. Plus, you weren't wearing any gear or suit, so what type of apprentice could you possibly be? The answer: when Kylo Ren said 'apprentice,' he really meant 'possible lover.' He may not have indicated that at all, but it was clear to everyone that you were no apprentice, that Kylo had just made up another pitiful attempt of a lie to hide his weakness for you. 

You looked away from their piercing glares, your face flushed with embarrassment. You were wearing a black, fitted drape, resembling a plain gown that was a few inches too long and made you stumble. On your shoulders rested a lighter-shade-of-black scarf, which you imagined belonged to Kylo; it looked identical to the cape that draped over his shoulders. Your recent combat boots were too marred to keep, and there were no spare ones in your size, so you walked barefoot. The floor was relatively clean enough, and you weren't that picky. 

Around you were many things: you'd somehow wound your way down into the landing dock, staying close to the walls to ease your anxiety of the workers. TIE Fighters were locked into rest as techs went about and renovated them. You'd seen some sort of conference room, which stood empty at that moment, with a large, black table and multiple chairs surrounding it. There was the control room - you had seen the label next to the door, but you didn't dare enter. You were afraid that General Hux may have been in there, who would have killed you, had your face been seen.

So you made your way into a mostly-empty hallway, slowly pacing back and forth to either end. You'd become familiar enough with the layout of it that you were able to turn to your thoughts without disturbance. A constant curtain of anxiety mutated your mind; you were always afraid. Afraid of seeing Kylo (after what had happened not just a few days ago), afraid of being killed on the spot, afraid to sit in one place and stay there. Everything was unknown to you, and you imagined that getting in the way of anyone would be your death. So you continued to move, wherever your feet would take you. They currently decided that moving up and down the hallway was safe enough. 

It was all to much to handle. You couldn't understand any of Kylo's emotions, nor your own. You were, in some sense, free from his hands, but you didn't want to leave them. The two of you still hadn't come to any agreements; you weren't going to hand over the location of the base, and he wasn't going to stop destroying galaxies to find it. But neither of you pushed the other to do anything they didn't want to, too afraid that it may push the other person away. You weren't sure if this was love, or a gauche stiffness of formality between you and Kylo.

"Are you feeling better?"

You jumped at the deep voice, turning to find Kylo behind you. He was holding his helmet to his side, and his stature was tense. He looked alert, worried, an as if he'd been walking nonstop for days. He was staring at you, almost like you might disappear in the next minute.

You sighed, smoothing your dress nervously. "Um... Yes, thank you. Are you alright?"

Suddenly, you faltered after those words. Why did I ask that? you thought. Was it really out of concern? Guaranteed, he does look weary and the least bit afraid, but where did the sudden burst of sympathy come from? You felt bad for trying to analyze that; if you were going to accept and return his feelings, wouldn't you care for his welfare? Why would you even question it? 

It was a never ending cycle of self-hate, love, questions, and worry.

"I'm fine." his rich words brought you back to reality. "Just... I've been very busy."

You hesitated to reply, the air thick with tension. "Well, if you're tired, you should get some re-"

"No," he interrupted, "I had to see you."

You locked your eyes into his sad, dark-brown ones. He seemed to regret the words, yet he continued to stare at you with... hope? His fists clenched and released over and over, and his shoulders became stiff.

The discomfort between the two of you grew immensely, and your stomach twisted itself into several knots. He felt a need to see you? He had to see you? What were you to him, that he rushed through his daily routine just to have time to kill with you? In a strange way, it frightened and comforted you at the same time. You gave him a weak smile of gratitude, trying to lower the jagged air around you.

He began walking slowly down the other end of the corridor, and you followed. You were wringing your hands in anxiety - what would he have to say to you? How could anything progress between the two of you if neither one was going to budge for the other? You continued to walk at his heels in silence, not glancing up to see where you were going.

"I apologize for the behavior of my men," he said, "they're just unfamiliar with having an unknown personnel on the base."

You searched your mind for something to say, but came up short. You didn't have anything to say that would properly comment or relate to the subject. So you simply nodded your head understandingly.

"I assume you've seen the quintessence?" he asked, now turning to see your reactions.

You shook your head. "No, but I've heard word of it."

He nodded, then continued to look straight ahead.

Once more, silence hung in the air. You stared at your feet, silently wondering how they hadn't begun to ache with their wounds, added with all the walking you'd put yourself through today. You also remembered the scars that littered your body from Hux's beatings; your sides had burns here and there, and your face had three scars running under each eye from what looked like a pair of tweezers that he had used. The more you thought about it, the more you realized that it did actually hurt, and a lot.

"I'm curious to know more about you." he said, and you suddenly felt anxious. "How did you come to join the resistance?"

You paused, considering whether or not to answer. It's ok, as long as I don't go into too much detail, right?

"Well," you began, "my parents were already members of the resistance. I was born on base, so I'd grown up around pilots and techs - my father told me that it was inevitable, that I'd either become one of them. I didn't want to stay in the same place forever, so I took pilot training. That's where I'd met Jaxx and Alavai. 

"When Luke went missing, Dameron was the first one to look for him. He'd come back every time, but we still feared for him; he was the best pilot we had. When we didn't hear from him in three weeks, they started a search for him, and we were on the party. The last place we searched was Takodana, and that's when..."

You stopped. You didn't want to accuse him of anything - he knew what he had done. Most of all, you wanted to keep from asking if Delmi and Kiera were really dead. 

"Interesting." he said. His expression had become relaxed as you were talking to him. 

You shrugged. "I don't think so. It's pretty much everyone else's story in the resistance."

"Well, I didn't take the time to listen to them."

You paused. You couldn't answer that, either. You simply continued to wring your hands in distress, hoping he would say something else to carry the conversation along.

"Why are you afraid?" he asked.

You hesitated, once more struck with perturbation. He was in your head... all this time, he had been walking through your mind, comprehending your emotions and thoughts into his own. Anger initiated inside of you, beginning to flow from your head and through your veins. But you stopped yourself - what good would being indignant do? He'd just read that, and then what? You pushed the emotion back, now replacing it with embarrassment. 

"I'm sorry." he said, stopping in his tracks.

You turned to face him, finding his gaze sorrowful once more. "I don't think I understand..."

"I don't want to read your thoughts, nor your emotions." He bore into your frightened eyes. "But I can't help but feel worried as to your well being. I've torn you away from everything, even your allegiance to the Resistance. You seem unfavorable to your current state. It pains me to have you this way."

You sighed. "I didn't mean to worry you. It's just..." how am I going to word this? "... I don't have anything now, you're right. But doesn't that give me all the more reason to stay? Guaranteed, I will be afraid for a while; I'm not used to any of this. I'm mostly afraid that I - or worse, you - might die for what we're doing now. But, honestly what do I have to lose but my life? I know that you'll be able to protect yourself. And you did not break my allegiance with the Resistance. Still, I would not think twice about... about leaving you."

The words spilled out of your mouth like water from a spring. Your gaze with him had not yet been broken, and with each second that passed, it became more and more ardent. You had never explored these feelings, afraid that you may realize your need for your comrades, your X-Wing Fighter, and the suspense of flying. Now you felt certain - you could, and did, love this man for who he was.

Kylo's expression turned slightly shocked. His posture was firm but alert; you weren't sure if he was about to fall into your arms, or turn on his heels and run away from you. You instantly felt rue to your words, ashamed at their quick flow - maybe it wasn't what he wanted to hear. 

"Commander, sir!"

You jumped at the resonating voice - it brought you back to the present time, and you suddenly realized that you were not in the same place as you were earlier. How long had it been since he'd met you in the hallway? 

Kylo turned around, and you noticed a sergeant standing at attention, a few feet behind him. His expression was blank, though you took a guess as to how much he'd heard from you.

"You are needed at navigation quarters, sir." he said. 

A sigh escaped Kylo's lips. He seemed depressed, once again. He turned back to you for a brief moment.

And then you did something which you wouldn't elaborate on until later - you took his hand in yours, and allowed him to return the gentle hold. There was no shock, no fear, nothing. It was as if this was a natural instinct between the two of you. Not even he seemed astonished at the gesture. 

"I'll find you soon, I promise." he said, his voice a soft, rich whisper.

Then, as gentle as the breath of an angel, he kissed you on the lips. 

It was soft. It was warm. It made your eyes sting with tears, making you long for his warm embrace; the folds of his cloak pressed up against your nose, engulfing you in a state of affection and peace so strong that you were unable to think of anything else except for the strength of his arms around you. 

"I am uncommonly and truly sorry."

Before you could feel him slip away, he was leaving with the sergeant. He'd placed his helmet once more on his face, and his back was turned towards you, growing smaller in the distance, leaving you nostalgic for the last few moments. Tears welled in your eyes, which you didn't attempt to fight - They felt welcoming, in a strange way. They reminded you of his promise.

You were lost. In reality, in your soul, and in your emotions. But you loved it fervently and wholeheartedly.


	6. Unwelcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You question, again, your relationship with Kylo Ren. He manages to clear your head of them, and the two of you grow significantly closer to each other. You finally feel safe and secure, despite the fact that you're on the enemy base. That is, until General Hux walks in the room.

For the first time in weeks, you had felt peace. Quiet, tranquil, unperturbed peace.

Kylo Ren had been growing closer to you over the days. His obvious anxiety had subsided, and he was able to talk to you without a hostile tone. He seemed to have put aside some of his duties to waste time listening to you speak. Not more than three days after the kiss he left you with did he (hesitantly) wrap his arm around your shoulder. It had gotten to the point where long periods of silence between conversations were no longer discomforting; it was simply the presence of each other that the both of you enjoyed most.

You were willing to go along with his actions, eager for anything new he might do. A touch on the arm or your head cradled under his brought more of a sense of safety rather than passion, but security was what you wanted most at the moment. You refused to question your relationship with him any further than you already had, deciding to simply follow along with whatever Kylo did. There were times where you felt uneasy, such as being with him around other Starkiller personnel; each time they saw the two of you together, they always threw suspicious gazes. Kylo didn't seem to notice, or care, but you felt as though a blaster was being held to your back.

Your fear of being shamed by the Resistance for your actions had been quieted as well. You had used the excuse that you no longer owed any favors to them, except an oath of secrecy you had taken a few years ago. You doubted General Leia was even wondering where you were at this point. Delmi and Alavai you would never see again, whether they were dead or alive. You had no clue what had happened to Poe Dameron, but you doubted that he was dead; he was too smart to have lost his life to the First Order. 

So there you were, lying on a stiff leather couch, with your head resting in Kylo's lap. His fingers were slowly running through your hair, giving you a peaceful mindset. You were in his quarters; it was the only place you felt truly safe, and it was simple, with nothing but black decorations. You rarely ventured out of this room, unless the need to see other human beings caught up with you.

But now - now was perfect. Now was the best time you had experienced in your life so far, and you didn't want now to end.

Kylo's voice gently pulled you from your thoughts. "What are you thinking right now?"

You let out a tranquil sigh. "Nothing..."

"A good nothing?" he asked.

"A perfect nothing."

He hummed in response, continuing to thread your hair with his warm fingers.

"What are you thinking about?" you asked, in return, trying not to let the moment die off into uneasy silence.

For a moment, Kylo hesitated. "My sins." the words came out in a shallow tone. "Everything I've ever done, and how I feel nothing of it, except what I did to you."

"I wish you wouldn't," you answered softly, "I don't care what happened before; we only knew so little about each other at the time. I was nothing more than a pilot to you, and you were nothing more than my enemy. It's now that matters, because now we see each other for the better."

Silence calmly roamed about the room. Though he never gave a reply to your last words, you knew he accepted them. It wasn't the only time he'd apologized for torturing you, and it wasn't the only time you explained to him that it didn't matter. 

However, the questions returned to your mind: what if he's using you? What if this is Stockholm Syndrome? What if everything you had pieced together with him was just an excuse for you to avoid death by his hand, and for him to have someone who would listen to anything he said? It was all there, swimming through your head, pushing the peace away and replacing it with anxiety you knew was unnecessary. 

You couldn't help but word those questions.

"Do you ever think that we might be making all of this up, just to keep each other entertained?" the question sounded harsher in words than it did in your head.

Kylo faltered. "What do you mean, exactly?"

"Well," you searched your head for the right words, "Do you ever wonder if we should really be this close to each other? Should we even be speaking to each other like this? What I'm asking is, what if we're not supposed to... happen. What if this will never work?"

Once again, silence. Except this time, it was an uncomfortable void of sound. You pondered whether your question had left him aghast. 

"I can't say that I have," he finally responded, "I just let everything fall into place. I've often thought that the force might have started this, but I can't be sure.

"But what's holding us together?" you asked, turning your head to look up at him. "Why are we, two completely different people who fought for the opposite sides, so drawn to each other? What if we're trying to build something that can't stand? I feel like... like maybe this is just some nonsense we're trying to account for only to feel something. "

You didn't want to believe anything you had just said. Everything that had happened since you had met Kylo was pulling you closer to him each time. You couldn't feel any danger between the two of you anymore - for the first time in the contact you'd experienced with him, it all felt safe. Not even the why's and how's in your head could make you doubt your feelings for a second. You were only asking these questions to remove them from your mind.

Kylo sighed thoughtfully; you could tell he didn't like the questions, either. You immediately resented ever asking them, fearing he might realize that there was nothing to gain in loving you.

"I can't say." he said, his voice now a tired purr. "You may be right - we could end up falling apart, even after everything we've decided on. This may all be for nothing, as far as we know. But you and I both know that there is something there keeping us together; you've felt it, and so have I. And until we figure out if we're strong enough to do this, we just have to trust what we feel right now."

His words comforted you, making you feel secure in the moment. You'd never thought of him having any words of wisdom in his head, only confused emotions and wrathful thoughts. It was almost as if you sensed the change in him; not a life-changing one, but merely a recognition of some sort, as if he'd learned a new fact about the world. 

"Could we try to work things out that way, before we come to any conclusions?" he asked, almost warily.

You nodded, and he resumed to pet your hair. 

What he had said was enough for you. Enough to push aside the questions for good, enough to make you at peace again. You would figure out what was good and what wasn't as the both of you went along. Besides, you wouldn't have been able to tell if things would work out before now. So you allowed yourself to relax once more, focusing on the rhythm of his fingers stroking the threads of your hair. 

His warm, gentle fingers...

The soft feeling...

The wonderful feeling of your surroundings being safe enough to fall asleep.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Pain. Sudden pain. Sharp Pain. Too much, it was hurting too much...

Your eyes broke open, attempting to find the source of the pain. Your head throbbed angrily from the blow, though you still weren't sure where you were hit. Your surroundings, which you barely processed, began to turn violently in a blur, making you dizzy. You fell from a short distance and onto the cold ground, gripping your stomach. 

Why does it hurt? What hit me?

You looked up to face General Hux, disoriented and infuriated. His eyes were crazed with anger, and pieces of his hair had fallen from their natural hold and into his face. It sent a cold shiver down your spine.

Just as you had seen who your attacker was, he swung his foot straight into your stomach. 

The blow threw you back as your gut twisted with pain. You felt your body clash against the hard ground, making the throbbing in your head grow into a quickening pulse. Your limbs couldn't react in time, and for a few moments, you struggled to pull yourself into an upright position. You pressed your hand to your stomach as it wrenched uncomfortably, and your rib cage moved jaggedly with each breath.

"How in god's name did you get in here?!" Hux shouted, his voice thick with menace and obvious threat. 

You looked up to find his face to find it contorted with rage. His eyes showed clear vexation you had only ever seen in Kylo's eyes. His stance was a crouch, and his fists were curled into shaking fists. You'd never imagined him this enraged; the whole while that he had tortured you had he kept his cool. His frightening demeanor left you speechless, as did each painful breath you took. 

Impatient for your answer, Hux kicked you again, this time on the side of the head. It slammed against the wall behind you, and you were sure you heard a crack resonate throughout your head. Confusion flooded your head as you felt blood pouring out of the side. You couldn't react to the smell of metal filling your nose, only the fact that you had to escape, and quickly.

Hux spoke angrily through his teeth. "How did you escape?!"

Escape? "I didn't!" you croaked an answer through the pain. "I didn't escape, I swear!"

"Oh, come on!" Hux now sneered, though his eyes still showed that he was enraged. "Do you not even remember that we've already been introduced to each other? You think you can lie to me, when every damn person on this base has been hunting you, 'Rey?' "

Rey? you thought. What the hell is Rey?! You were immensely confused, as you had no idea to whom Hux was referring to. 

Suddenly, he pulled out a blaster pistol from his belt. You shied away at the sight of it.

"You don't want to play this game again, do you?!" he shouted. "Because we know who won last time!"

You waited for the shot; your mind was frantic with anticipation. Your fingers trembled as they kept you from falling apart. Your eyes were wide, as you were too afraid to experience the surprise of the blast that would be the death of you.

But it never came. Your anxiety grew with each second that was void of the pain you should have felt. In your head, you imagined the sound of the blaster firing, again and again, straight into your head. Or worse, anywhere but your head, slowing your death and, once again, torturing you as he had done before. You wanted it. You shouldn't have to wait.

But still, nothing happened.

Gathering up your courage, you forced your nearly-paralyzed head to turn back to the source of the danger.

Hux was dangling in the air, his hands tightly clenched around his neck. His eyes showed fear, and his throat was making inhuman noises. The blaster lay on the ground, still loaded and seemingly lethal. You were too shocked at the moment to process anything more than the fact that he was the one in pain, and you were still in tact.

Just as you were slowly putting the pieces together, Kylo Ren swiftly walked in. His hand was outstretched in the direction of Hux's neck, shaking from the tension in his fingers. He was clearly furious; you understood by the way he clenched his jaw and his furrowed brow. 

Slowly, Hux began to descend back onto the ground, where he choked in angry gasps of air. Immediately after his feet touched the floor, Kylo fiercely gripped him by the collar with both hands and shoved him against the wall behind. 

"Get off me!!" Hux shouted hoarsely. "Have you lost your goddamn mind?!"

"I should be the one asking you that!!" Kylo spat back his reply. 

Hux faltered as he regained his cool. "I was responding to the alert - the Rey that escaped- "

"She is not Rey." Kylo roughly released Hux's collar, stepping back. "And you will not touch this girl, unless your wish is to die a slow and excruciating death!!" The words seethed through his clenched teeth.

Angrily flustered, Hux straightened his trench coat. He looked at you, his expression confounded yet furious. You felt your heart rate increase in fear, and time seemed to slow down, making Hux's glare last ages. You eventually turned your head away, feeling the source of the blood flow from your head. 

"Leave." Kylo said, his voice thick with menace and threat. 

Hux glanced one last time at him, with a small hint of vengeance on his face, before quickly striding out of the room. Kylo continued to stare at him until he was out of the doorway.

You watched him leave, and only when he was out of your field of vision did you feel relief. You exhaled the breath you had been holding on to for what seemed like hours, and the tears continued to spill down your cheeks. Not only that, but the blood from the side of your head wouldn't stop pouring out, though you felt nothing except your stomach twisting uncomfortably. 

Kylo rushed over to you, kneeling down on the floor to observe your head. You couldn't see his face, but the sharp inhale he took told you that it was a serious injury. You wanted to look at him for just a second, but your gut interfered, making you curl up in pain.

"I'm taking you to Medbay." he said, and you soon yourself being scooped into his arms.


	7. Open Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After General Hux's outburst, you're left severely wounded, emotionally and physically. Kylo Ren blames himself, despite your efforts to change his perspective. Then, he comes up with a plan: escape Starkiller Base together, to somewhere that Hux will never find you. But is that really what he wants? Or is that just what you've manipulated him to want?

I was sitting on a small operations table as pain was throbbing throughout my body. A doctor was securing a abdominal cast around the lower half of my rib cage, and I was certain he hadn't bothered with anesthetics. The room around me was stuffy and reeked of rubbing alcohol - to my left was a small tray with several instruments, few of which I recognized. And to my far left was Kylo Ren, clearly vexed and concerned. 

He had just saved me from dying a brutal death at the hands of General Hux. I was still in shock from the attack, no doubt, but what phased me even more was the fact that Kylo had not killed him then and there. The anger in his eyes was different from every other time he was infuriated; it was almost... dead. As if he wasn't in control of his actions. But, then, how did he keep his cool? Trying to answer the questions in my head, I looked into his eyes, which were now focused on the doctor's movements. 

Suddenly, he left me on the table and turned to speak with Kylo. I heard them trading whispers, and even though I was only a few feet away, it was still inaudible to me. This made me angry, as I felt that I had a right to know what he was saying, given that it was my body that was hurting. I would have said something to them, except for the fact that my lungs were sore from the beating Hux had given me. It had never occurred that he was able to lash out so suddenly - I had always imagined him as the 'cool' one, whereas Kylo was the uncontrollable one. However, it seemed that my presence had changed that, leaving Hux constantly angry towards me, and Kylo at peace. I couldn't quite wrap my head around any of it.

My thoughts were interrupted by something pressing against the back of my head. I inhaled sharply at the pain, turning to see the nurse rubbing a white cream on the spot of the injury. 

Kylo's eyes darted towards me in my distress, instantly dropping his attention from the doctor. "What is it?"

I looked back at him as the nurse continued to apply the antiseptic. He was tense, enough so that it made me feel guilty, as if I was causing his discomfort. "Nothing, it... I was just startled."

He folded his arms over his chest, and his furrowed brow showed his dissatisfaction with my answer. He knew I was hurting, but what good would it do to call me out on that?

Looking between me and Kylo, the doctor sighed and walked back over towards me. I noticed his tired expression as he searched one of his pockets before pulling his hand out.

"Here." he held a small vile of a thick, milky liquid in front of me. 

I faltered, grimacing, as the substance made my stomach turn. "What is it?"

"Bactade." 

Bactade? I thought. I had heard of Bacta, even of a Bacta spray, but never Bactade. 

"What do I do with it?"

"Eat it." he said blatantly, as if it was common knowledge to eat anything in a vile that a doctor should hand me.

I looked at the Bactade, before casting a nervous glance to Kylo. He gave me a small nod of encouragement as he continued to stare anxiously at my every move.

I cautiously took the vile from him, its contents sloshing about. Before giving myself any time to react, I held I nose and downed it in one gulp. I instantly began to cough from the chalky taste and my body shuddered violently. The doctor handed me a small cup of water, which I drank quickly to wash down the flavor. He sighed and turned back to Kylo.

"She'll need to rest for a while," the doctor said, while removing his gloves, "maybe more than a few days. She's suffered a fractured sternum and a fractured rib, but it isn't too serious, since it cracked near the outer curve. The most I'm worried about is the minor skull fracture - again, it's small, and I don't see any signs of swelling or bruising in the brain, but it's good to keep an eye out for them. The rest is all bruising, which the bactade should take care of."

Kylo nodded his head towards the doctor, who then swiftly exited the room. The nurse followed and closed the door behind her.

Silence filled the room, and I noticed that Kylo's eyes had drifted back to my stomach. I looked around for something to grab my attention, before I could allow my mind to wander to guilt and shame. However, all I noticed was that everything was so... white. The walls, the floor - everything had a glossy, cream-colored shine to it. The more I thought of it, the more it hurt my head. 

"You'll most likely be staying here for the next week or so." he said, breaking the silence.

I wasn't sure how to respond. If I met his gaze, it would only make him either more angry or more concerned. And that wouldn't make anything better, be it his emotions or mine. 

"How are you feeling?" he asked as walked towards me, his expression cautious.

"Fine." I lied. There was no sense in complaining to him how much I was hurting; it wouldn't do any good.

He moved his hand to my head, gently pressing his thumb against my temple. "You're in pain." he stated.

I sighed. What was I supposed to say to that? There was no point in talking to someone if they were just going to read my thoughts. I remained silent and stared at my bare feet, which were somehow completely clean after having no shoes for months. The nurse (who was a female, which surprised me after having thought the base was void of my gender) had changed me into black shorts and a hospital gown, and wrapped thick gauze around my chest and taped a piece to the side of my head.

Kylo pointed at my stomach. "May I ...?"

I looked at him, and then to my stomach, sighing. Seeing my bruises would only fuel his anger towards Hux, and I didn't want to see them fight... again. True, I was mad at the man, but causing more friction between the two of them, the two commanders of the base, definitely wasn't going to solve anything; and I wasn't even trying to solve something. 

Kylo took my sigh as granted permission and lowered himself to his knees, gently lifting up my shirt. He instantly seethed and his brow furrowed at the sight of the large, swollen, black bruise on my stomach. I tried not to react, but hot tears began to sting in my eyes. This was all my fault: the stress, the pain that we both felt, was all because of me. And I wasn't anything special, let alone anything necessary to anyone.

"I'm sorry." his words tumbled from his lips in a frenzy.

I sighed, my breath shaking from the threat of crying. "Please, don't say that. It's my fault - there was nothing we could do, there isn't even anything we can do now." In a desperate attempt, I grasped one of his hands and held it tightly, feeling his fingers react and curl around mine.

"We'll leave." he said firmly.

I looked back into his eyes, which were still staring at the bruise on my stomach. His words shocked me - they flew in circles throughout my head as I struggled to get a hold on them. 

"Leave?" I repeated, taken aback. "Kylo, you can't. You're the leader of this base, you can't just- "

"You're in danger." he interrupted. "You aren't safe here, I'm not able to protect you."

"Kylo..." I placed my hands on the sides of his head, gently inquiring him to look into my concerned eyes. There were so many things I wanted to tell him, so many reasons I had to convince him to stay; but the reality of it all was that he was telling the truth. He had a job on the base, and wouldn't be able to watch everything I do. It would be easier for him to protect me if he were to leave and take me with him... But I couldn't do that to him. If he did leave, he would have no purpose, no side to take. Even though he would be abandoning Starkiller base, therefore losing their trust, he still wouldn't take the Resistance's side. I simply watched his expression as he was avoiding my gaze, lost in thought as he continued to stare at my abdomen. 

He took hold of one of my hands. "I can tell that you're not happy, as well- "

"That's not true!" I said hastily. "I am happy here; I have you, every day." Tears were starting to fall down my cheeks. 

"Then how is it that you never smile?" he asked, his voice quieter than ever, his eyes finally meeting my. "Whenever I see you, it looks as if you're trapped, or your completely miserable."

Again, he was right; I hated it there. I'd fed myself lies after Kylo had confessed to me, thinking that I was now free. In reality, my cage had just expanded. And now there were people who disapproved, and people who were even trying to kill me in that cage. But it hurt me more to think that he was so infatuated by me that he would leave everything behind. 

I had, though not purposely, manipulated his mind. He wanted to leave Starkiller base, his home, just to see me happy. He would lay down everything he had left of himself to keep me safe. 

"You're just upset." I said, trying to make him see the absurdity behind his words. "This is all just because I got hurt, it'll pass- "

"But don't you see?!" he shouted with frustration. "Yes, it was only that one time you were hurt where I wasn't there, but that does not mean it won't happen again! And if it does, I may not be there that time. Hux will try to kill you; he thinks that you've... that you've manipulated me..." he stood and walked away from me, pinching the bridge of his nose as he was deep in thought.

"I've done... something to you." I began, "Not purposely, but nonetheless, I have. And it's interfering with your role as commander of the base. I'm not helping you in any way- "

"Then why would you let me get so close to you?" he said; I noticed his shoulders shaking as he cried. "Why would you let me have something, only to tear it away and say that I never should have taken it?"

I sighed as more tears began to flow down my face. "First, I didn't exactly have a choice - But I wasn't doing it to hurt you! I just - I was caught up in the moment, I was lost, I had no sense of what was right or wrong! But now I know that I'm only hurting you and everyone around you. I'm not - good for you." The words hurt as they tumbled from my lips.

He continued to stand with his back towards me, his shoulders moving with each jagged breath. I wondered if he had even listened to what I'd said, or at least tried to acknowledge it. I knew what he was like; he only lived by his anger, there was no possible way that he would even try to consider my words. It frustrated me that he wouldn't look at the problems in his decision, which would affect the both of us. 

"Please..." I continued to persuade him, "leaving is not going to make things right- "

"And how is it that you know what's right for me?!" his shouting intensified as he grew more infuriated. "You're just doing what's best for me; you're not helping me in any way; you were lost - since when did this all center around how you feel or what you do?!"

"Damn it, Kylo!!" I shouted. "This isn't about how I feel! This whole time, I've been saying how this will affect you! I'm trying to show you how leaving would only make you as equally unhappy as you are now! I'm concerned for you, not myself! And didn't you start this entire argument based on the fact that I was in danger? That I was unhappy?!"

I was forced to stop speaking as my lungs began to hurt with each breath, and my crying only disturbed my broken rib. None of my words were being acknowledged by him, and I was only frustrating myself and putting stress on my wounds. I felt helpless; torn between giving Kylo what was good for him or what was right for him. 

Ripping me from my thoughts, I felt Kylo's hands against my own. He knelt in front of me and stared into my eyes, his face soft but determined.

"It's for the best." he whispered. "It really is. Neither you nor I are happy here. We can't stay here, for the sake of our own sanity."

I returned his gaze with a defeated look. He wasn't going to change his mind, he wasn't even going to consider the damage his decision could cause. It made me feel frustrated and saddened at the same time - he claimed he was doing this all for my happiness, yet he continued to talk about how it would make him feel. But what could I say? He had come to a conclusion, and there was no possible way in which I would be able to change that. 

I sighed, squeezing his hands for comfort. "Where will we go?" I whispered.

He seemed to have relaxed, knowing that I was now compliant with his decision. "I'm not sure yet; but it doesn't matter, as long as we leave soon- "

"It does matter," I objected, "they'll look for you, and if they find you... " I trailed off, unable to think of the horrible things that Hux would do if he had caught the both of us.

"They won't, I assure you." Kylo stroked my hair in consolation. "We'll be far away, in a place that they wouldn't know existed."

Even though he tried to comfort me, fear still rose into my throat, causing a lump to form through the tears. How could they not find us? I thought. A station like Starkiller base would be able to find a grain of sand in a field of snow. It was too risky to leave, but I knew I had no other choice. 

Kylo sensed my fear. He moved his hand to caress my face, his eyes still sad. "I swear to you, they won't- "

I cut him off with a swift kiss on his lips. I didn't want to hear anything at the moment, not even my own thoughts. The kiss was far from passionate and loving; it was desperate and longing, as if it were the last one the two of I would ever share. He gently put one hand on the back of my neck, being sure as to not ignite any more pain than I was already in. However, it only ignited more sadness within me... there was a small premonition in the back of my mind that I might lose him, and soon.

He pulled away, leaning his forehead against mine. I noticed his breath was shaking, and his eyes were squeezed shut. He seemed anxious, more than I was. 

"I promise." he said, his eyes still closed. "They will not find us alive."


	8. When the Truth Hits You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While waiting for the perfect moment to carry out your escape plan with Kylo Ren, you find "Rey," the wanted scavenger, wandering about Starkiller Base. You decided to find Kylo Ren and tell him this information, but run into Hux along the way. He's figured out that you're too much of a bad influence on Kylo Ren, and locks you in a conference room. Soon after, you are found by Finn and Han Solo, who convince you to come back to the Resistance side. But shortly after, they also tell you some interesting information... and you realize how long Kylo Ren had been feeding you lies.

It was decided: Kylo Ren and I were set to leave as soon as I had recovered. The two of us would take a TIE Fighter and secretly go to Dagobah, where we would be safe from both the Resistance and Starkiller base.

At least, I'd hoped we would be safe. 

Kylo told me, again and again, that the plan would work. He tried to convince me every day that everything would be fine, and that the two of us would be able to live in peace. But I couldn't possibly imagine that there would be any peace. I had seen what the First Order would do to those who didn't cooperate with them; they would kill, pillage, and torture relentlessly until they got what they wanted, and then continue to do that for their own amusement. They completely ignored the treaty they made with the New Republic, throwing it aside as if it were rules to a child's game. But this didn't seem to waver Kylo's decision one bit. 

I knew that I was the sole cause for his choices. Even though leaving his post to live in hiding would be better for the Resistance, and for the whole galaxy, I was still angry at myself for being manipulative. I wasn't trying to be, but I still hated that I had this effect on him. As if he wasn't able to determine his own actions because of my presence.

Which brought me to a whole other set of questions: Why did I love him? And was it even a real love? I only fell in love with him because I had nothing holding me back, but was that selfish? Was I brushing off the deaths of my friends and comrades to save my own life? Kylo Ren was right - everything in this situation was about me, no matter how much I tried to change that fact. 

As I violently shunned myself, I stared at my surroundings. I was leaning against the rail in a massive room, which had a tunnel boring down into the ground. The walls of the tunnel were lined with what looked like engine packs, and for what the First Order needed so many of them, I didn't know. In all actuality, I didn't care. Why should it matter to me, when I couldn't do anything about it, even if it did concern my attention? The only interesting thing in the room were the Stormtroopers slowly pacing along the sides, blasters in hand, guarding whatever the room had in store. 

I sighed, resting my chin on the railings. As selfish as it sounded, I were bored - I hadn't seen anything but black and gray walls, the outside world only visible to me through a single, frosted window in Kylo's room. Besides him, and a few Stormtroopers, there was no one to speak to, to share with. The lack of communication often had me mumbling to myself, pretending that there was someone in front of me, listening to everything I said; in all, I believed that I was going insane.

So it didn't surprise me when I spotted a small, tan figure climbing across the engine packs.

At first, it blended into the slow movement of the other Stormtroopers, pacing back and forth along the side paths; slow, consistent, and boring. Like a speck of sand slowly rolling across a piece of paper. But as my eyes casually wandered to look at it, I noticed that it was definitely out of place.

I craned my neck to get a closer look: the figure - a girl, maybe? - was obviously human. She was wearing tattered scavenger's rags, and her hair was pulled back into three tight buns. I couldn't tell what she was trying to do, watching her crawl along the inner walls. But I knew, whatever her intent was, it couldn't be beneficial to the base.

Coming to a conclusion, I realized that I had to tell him.

As my mind took off in a slight panic, I turned on my heels and began to make my way down the corridors. Though the situation was practically harmless to me, it was strange, nonetheless. On top of that, I couldn't help but remember that a girl named 'Rey' was on the loose in the base, and assumed that the person I had just seen was the girl in question. 

Just as I had rounded the corner into another hallway, I came to a halting stop. I found General Hux, quickly striding down the hall in my direction, followed by a Stormtrooper. 

My heart began to race. Should I run? Was he here to kill me? Afraid, I stumbled back a few steps, getting ready to turn on my heels and sprint away.

"Good morning!" he said... cheerfully. 

I narrowed my eyes at his gleeful expression. I wasn't able to reply to him, due to the fear rising in my chest. The Stormtrooper continued to stare at me, and I felt hatred in its gaze, though it showed no emotion. 

"And where might you be going?" Hux's voice startled me. Looking at him closer, I saw that he looked... smug? Prideful? Something was off; whatever he was feeling now, it looked to be far from the emotions he expressed to me not two weeks ago.

I tried to regain my composure, straightening my posture and looking Hux in the eyes. "I was going to find Kylo Ren; I need to speak with him urgently."

General Hux nodded. "I understand. Currently, he is in a meeting with our base lieutenants - but if it is of extreme importance, I could escort you to him."

For a moment, I faltered; was it safe to trust him? After all, he did try to kill me. There was no reason for him not to do it again. Still, I needed to get to Kylo; not knowing where he is, I had no other option but to have Hux take me to him. I reassured myself, saying that if Hux were to try and harm me, there were plenty of other Stormtroopers who would stop him, and Kylo Ren, who would most likely kill him for it. 

I slowly nodded my head, walking up to the General's side; my eyes never left his face as I tried to predict his actions and thoughts. 

Hux matched my stride, and the Stormtrooper followed behind us. His position made me feel vulnerable, since he was hidden from my field of view. Then I remembered that, currently, I was counting on him to possibly protect me from Hux. However, that brought me to a conflict: wasn't every personnel on this base supposed to be the enemy? How could I put faith in a soldier of the dark side? As hypocritical as it sounded, I couldn't help but pray that the Stormtrooper's presence would keep me safe.

"If you wouldn't mind-" Hux's voice made me jump as it broke the silence "- since I am second in command of this base: what is it you saw?"

I nervously cleared my throat. "Well, there was a girl - I saw her climbing on the engine packs. She was dressed in a scavenger's clothes, and from what Kylo Ren had described to me, I think... I think that she is the 'Rey' that escaped."

General Hux nodded as he listened. "You have a good eye, I must say. This is indeed troubling news, but now that we have her location, it will be easier to restrain her once more."

I were intrigued by the importance of this person. This single girl, who looked completely vulnerable in my eyes, was treated as a serious threat to the base. I saw no weapon on her. Could she have been a Jedi? I pushed that thought aside, seeing as she didn't have a lightsaber. Curious to know more, I tested the waters and broke the silence.

"Why is Rey so dangerous?" I asked, my voice cracking in anxiety. "She looks harmless, and she wasn't fighting anyone - she was deliberately trying to hide."

General Hux waited a moment before answering. "You're right: she looks harmless, and lost as well. But we have evidence that she has the Force within her. She used it to manipulate a guard into releasing her, and even to counter Commander Ren's attempts on retrieving information from her. What makes the situation more dangerous is that she is only just beginning to discover her powers. That is why it is important that we find her as soon as possible, before she figures out her full ability."

His words confused me. Does this mean that Rey is a Resistance member? Or does she work alone, and is against the First Order? Does that make her an enemy of me? 

"Here we are." Hux said as the two of us rounded the corner. I felt relieved, now that I would be in Kylo Ren's presence. Realizing that my jaw had been clenched the entire time, I relaxed them with an exhale. 

He stopped in front of a door, motioning that I go inside. "I'm positive that he will break the discussion to listen to your situation."

Quickly, as I were eager to see Kylo, I opened the door. I expected to see him in full uniform, wearing his mask and his voice being distorted through the vent. I expected everyone in the room to face me, as I would interrupt the conference.

But as my eyes scanned the room, I saw that it was empty. I faltered. "Where- "

Suddenly, I felt a kick to my back, causing me to lurch forward. I gasped as I hit the floor, my skin screeching against it. It all happened so fast - before I knew it, I was looking at the ebony ground, trying to regain the air that had been torn from my lungs. 

I heard the door slam behind me; turning to the sound, I saw General Hux fiddling with the lock on the other side. I quickly pulled myself to my feet and ran to the door, pounding my fists on the glass. 

"Stop!!" I cried. "What are you doing?! I need to speak with him!!"

"You have distracted Commander Ren from his duties long enough!" Hux said, while making sure the door was securely locked. "He is finished with you!!"

"But we have to tell him about- "

"I shall tell him myself, and you will remain here until I figure out how to deal with you." He looked back at me with the same, smug look on his face. "Thank you, so much, for all of your help!"

I shouted at him as he left the door, the Stormtrooper following close behind him. The other guards continued to pace up and down the corridor, ignoring my cries, as if nothing had ever happened. I kicked the door as hard as I could, even though I knew it wouldn't budge - and the fact that my feet were bare only caused more pain and frustration. 

Realizing the door wouldn't open anytime soon, I turned my attention back to the room; there had to be some way to get out.

I ran over to each panel of the walls, searching for a control panel or emergency code. I had to escape, to find Kylo Ren and tell him about Rey and General Hux - this motive made me frantic for an exit as I searched everywhere else, after finding nothing along the walls. The conference table was void of anything but it's sable color, making me scowl. I then crouched onto my knees and ran my hands along the floor for any sign of a compartment, maybe even an emergency exit that led out of the room. 

The tears continued to flow down my face as I came to realization - there was no way out.

I gave up searching, and instead slammed my fists onto the ground. There were too many emotions swimming through my head, from frustration, to guilt, to desperation, even to fear. Why was General Hux doing this in the first place? After he had figured out that I wasn't a threat, why did he want to keep me from Kylo Ren?

You have distracted Commander Kylo Ren from his duties long enough!

His words answered my questions. I had derailed Kylo from his job. I had distracted him into loving me, luring him away from what he had set out to do. It would eventually lead to Starkiller Base being void of a commander, which could cause enough trouble to delay anything they had planned. Hux had probably assumed that I was trying to thwart as much as I could; meaning that he thought I was manipulating Kylo Ren to the point of making him abandon his duties.

It was everything I had assumed. Everything that was happening at this moment was what I had told myself would happen; what Kylo Ren had assured me was just a bunch of worrisome nonsense. I had manipulated everyone, including myself, just stay alive. And it cost me the life of my entire squadron, my place as a pilot in the Resistance, Kylo's loyalty to his role, even my own peace of mind. And now, it was most likely going to cost me my life. 

"This is all my fault..." I said, making aimless statements as I curled into a ball. "I've done more damage than I would have if he had just killed me months ago... none of this should be happening... I shouldn't be here... I shouldn't be here..."

I continued to mumble to myself, keeping my mind from interrogating myself by filling the empty air with noise. I just had to wait until General Hux would return, and finally 'deal with me,' once and for all.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

What have I done...

I'm going to die...

Why did I do all this...

I don't want to die...

I need to talk to him.

After hours of muttering to myself, trying to accept my fate, my ears caught sounds of blasters firing and painful screams.

I head shot up from it's cradle in my arms, and I wiped my eyes on the back of my sleeve. Even though the clothes I was wearing covered my entire body, I still managed to shiver violently. I looked towards the glass hole in the door, wondering if I should even bother to see what the commotion was. There was a possibility that 'Rey' had just been found, and was now being shot to death. 

But the more I listened, I was able to tell that multiple people were screaming. Therefore, it was some sort of attack.

Slowly, as my muscles were stiff from being immobile for so long, I stood up from the floor and walked towards the glass. I saw several Stormtroopers on the other side, stumbling and falling to the ground as blaster bolts were being fired into them. I couldn't find the source of fire, making me nervous as to what type of person, or creature, could be causing all of the havoc. I craned my neck a bit further to see if they were nearing me.

Suddenly, a face abruptly peered into the glass - a woolly, animalistic face.

I screamed in fear, falling back to the floor. "What the hell?!"

The creature's eyes followed me as I scooted myself away from the door; he then let out a beastly cry, before disappearing again. Moments later, I heard two different voices approach the door, eventually met by two other faces in the glass. 

For a moment, I were terrified. I had no idea who these things were, but I figured they had the skill to wipe out twenty or so Stormtroopers in less than a minute. 

"Hello?" I heard the muffled voice of the dark-skinned man, staring at me with concerned eyes.

Cautiously, I picked myself back up off of the floor and moved towards the man. I was able to see the other one as well, who looked more weathered and weary than the first. I also realized that the creature I had seen moments ago was a Wookiee, holding a crossbow of some sort.

"Who are you?" I spoke with a hoarse voice.

"You tell us first!" The older man stared at me with suspicion from my dark attire. "What side are you on?" 

A lump formed in my throat at the question. What side were you on? Or was I just balancing on a thread in between? 

"I, uh..." I answered, biting back the reoccurring tears. "I used to be a pilot on the Resistance."

The first man looked to the older one, who nodded in assurance. He then turned back to meet my eyes with determination. "Ok, we're gonna bust you out of here - just stand back."

I nodded, pressing myself against the side wall. After a few seconds of silence, the door was blasted open, sending pieces of metal across the room. I quickly shielded myself with my hands before the three of them entered the room. Getting a better view of them, I immediately recognized the older man as Han Solo - General Organa's significant other.

The younger man hurriedly walked towards me. "Are you ok?"

I nodded. "As far as I can tell, yes."

The Wookiee let out another cry, shooting at several Stormtroopers outside of the room. 

"Just keep 'em busy, Chewie!" Han yelled at him, before turning back to me. "Why were you in here?"

"I had - I had a run-in with Hux." I had to force the words out of me mouth; the very image of the vile ginger-head made I want to plant a bolt in between his eyes.

Han cringed. "Sounds fun."

Suddenly, the room went dark, and red emergency lights began to flash rapidly. Panic instinctively rose in my throat, and my mind turned to Kylo. 

Where is he?

The younger man grabbed my attention pulled a small blaster from his jacket. "Can you work one of these?"

"Yeah," I replied, "but do you have anything that will do more damage?"

He shook his head. "We're limited right now."

I reached out my hand to take the blaster, but then stopped. The jacket... I know that jacket... It belonged to none other than Poe Dameron. I had seen him wearing it almost every day on the base, lending it to some of the other female workers when they were cold. I remembered him using it to try and put out small grease fires while fixing his X-Wing. There was no mistake that it belonged to him.

So what did that make of Poe? Why was this stranger wearing his clothes?

"Where did you get that?" I asked in a small whisper. 

The man looked at me with confusion. "What?"

"The jacket." I answered sharply. 

Han sighed, impatient with the two of us. "Fin helped Poe escape, they crashed on Jakku, Finn took his jacket, Poe found him back on D'Quar, told him he could keep it- look, we can tell you the rest later, but right now, we need to go."

A sigh of relief escaped my lips. "So Poe's alive? He escaped?"

Finn (I assumed) nodded. "Yeah, the whole squadron did, too."

I furrowed my brow in confusion. Squadron? "What squadron? I thought Poe was the only hostage."

"You didn't know? The entire yellow squadron was taken back to Starkiller base. The First Order caught them right before General Organa was going to give them confirmation that Poe had been found."

Yellow Squadron. My squadron.

"The other pilots who were taken from Takodana escaped with Poe." he continued. "They all had to be taken to the ICU, it was really bad- but everyone lived. One of the Flight Instructors was asking about his students - said he had two, but only one of them was brought back. Everyone assumed the... second one died on... Takodana... Oh god." He ended there, realization flooding into his head. "That was you, wasn't it."

My entire body froze as I processed the words. Flight Instructors... Students... escaped...

"What was the other student's name?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

Finn sighed. "I can't remem- "

"Was it Kiera?" I asked frantically. "Kiera Alavai?! And the Flight Instructor was Delmi Jaxx?!"

Han nodded. "Yeah, that sounds about right. Why?"

Realization melted in. "They're... alive?" The words left my lips painfully. 

My mind was filled with visions Delmi, broken and bleeding on the other side of the glass; Kylo entering the room, telling me that all of the pilots had been murdered because of my resilience. 

Dead. All of them! They're all dead because you wouldn't speak!

"No, they can't... he said... he said he had killed all of them..."

My mind ignored the current situation surrounding the entire base, now focused on my friends. Tears began spilling down my face, though I was neither happy nor sad. I was angry... All of my promises to Kylo Ren, all of the torture I had put myself through for my comrades was a wasted effort. I had only allowed myself to love Kylo back because I believed that I didn't have any ties to the Resistance anymore: two of those ties being Delmi and Kiera. And now they're alive?

Impatient, Han grabbed me by the shoulders, bringing me out of my state of panic. 

"Look - I know you were lied to, and that's not a fun experience. I know this is a lot to take in; but what's more important is that we need to get out of here, quickly. We both have people we need to get back to on D'Quar, but we're not going to be able to do that if we keep standing here. You want to see them, right?" 

I stared him in the eyes, my own brimming with tears. I quickly nodded in reply. 

"Well, you can do that after we all get out of here, ok?"

I nodded again, urgently wanting the honest answer in the question of Delmi and Kiera. I didn't remember my promise with Kylo, to leave to Dagobah, to hide from both the Resistance and the First Order. I didn't remember his gentle touch, his reassuring words, the way his eyes softened when they landed on me - my mind was distracted, trying to revive the people I thought were gone forever. And in my need for the truth, I heeled behind Han Solo and Finn with desperation.


End file.
